Well, it’s official…. I’m 30 years old today & truly just can’t believe it!

I’m not really upset about it but definitely not thrilled either. I don’t like that 30′s considered “middle aged” & feel like I’m now having to kiss young adulthood goodbye. I suppose it is what you make of it though.

The past 30 years have definitely been an adventure filled with many different peaks & valleys. I’ve certainly learned a whole lot & in a lot of ways come to realize I don’t really know much at all. Regrets? I have a few, but everything that’s filled the past 30 years of my life is what’s helped mold me into who I am today & today I can honestly say I’m one happy women.

I love my life, my husband, my children & my family & hope that in time I’ll also learn to love myself like I should too.

I know the future will not be filled with all sunshine & rainbows but I truely look forward to the adventure that my next 30 years will bring. I’m excited to watch my children grow (although not too quickly!) & although I know these next 30 years will include some painful losses they’ll also include some beautiful gains. Perhaps more children of our own? Perhaps some grandchildren down the road too!

One thing I know for certain is there’s no one I’d rather spend these next 30 years “growing old” with than my wonderful, loving & caring husband who without my life would not be the beautiful thing it is today.

So here’s to the next 30 years!

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We received an email yesterday informing us that our video for our adoption profile has been completed.

I’ve been feeling incredibly nervous about the creation of this video. As we took all our various pieces of footage, with the little video camera our agency sent to us to use, my anxiety about the whole ordeal grew.

We were extremely nervous as we conducted our interviews both together & individually. It felt weird & awkward talking to just the camera. We struggled trying to figure out how we should capture the moments of our lives in a way that would give a potential birth parent a view into the reality of our lives.

We didn’t want for anything to appear staged. We wanted to look natural but we worried if natural would be appealing? We worried if we’d just look blah, boring, undesirable, dorky?

Even our friends who also recorded a short piece for us were incredibly nervous in front of the camera probably even more so than us because lets face it… a tiny lil camera staring you down recording your every movement & word, adding an extra 10lbs to you too… well it’s plain intimidating!

We sent the video camera back with a memory card full of various footage on October 11th & I’ve been dreading the video going live on our profile ever since. Praying that we would be matched before the video went live, fearing it was going to work against us rather than for us.

Then yesterday I got the email… the video is ready:

It turned out sooooo much better than I ever could of hoped & will be live on our profile early next week!

Only a small amount of our footage taken was actually used & I’m a bit surprised they didn’t use any of our friends portion of interviews but regardless, I’m very pleased with the final product.

Here’s hoping the added personal depth that this adds will be what’s needed for our birth parents to finally pick us. I know we haven’t been waiting all that long but every day that passes seems like an eternity. It is so difficult having the future & growth of our family completely dependent on someone “picking us” & it’s hard not to feel like the awkward kids getting left to the end as the other kids pick their teams for a sport.

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In light of yesterdays sad news, regarding the passing of former Apple CEO “Steve Jobs”, I felt this would be a fitting “Favorite Thing Thursday” post.

Roy & I absolutely LOVE our iPhones. We first obtained our 3GS’s back in August of 2010 & it wasn’t long before we wondered how we ever lived life without them!

Most people already know all about iPhones but for those who don’t they are pure awesome. Anywhere I go I have my email, Facebook, Google, an instant camera & video recorder (although both low in quality), immediate bank access (if I need to check/transfer a balance, even take a picture with the camera to cash checks!) along with a variety of other “Apps” that make life better, simpler, or more entertaining in some way, shape or form. Steve Jobs really came up with something amazing here & the iPhone along with his many other contributions to our world will not be soon, if ever, forgotten.

Our wireless contracts have been up for renewal for a while & our phones are available for upgrade. Tomorrow the new iPhone 4S goes available for pre order but I don’t know if we’ll have to wait till the 14th, when it’s officially released for sale, or whether we’ll even get an upgrade discount on it but we’re sure hoping.

The 4S looks incredible. It’s so much more advanced than the 3GS & I’m especially psyched about the ability to do 1080p HD video.

Some of the other amazing features the new 4S has to offer are (from the Apple site):

* The addition of “Siri” – the intelligent assistant that gets things done, all you have to do is ask!
* Dual-core A5 chip – the most powerful iPhone processor ever.
* The you-can’t-believe-it’s-on-a-phone camera. All new optics & 8 MEGAPIXELS folks!
* iOS 5 – the world’s most advanced mobile operating system. And the easiest to use.
* iCloud – stores your music, photos, apps, mail, contacts, calendars, documents, and more. And wirelessly pushes them to all your devices!
* Retina display – the highest-resolution phone screen ever. In fact, the pixel density is so high that the human eye is unable to distinguish individual pixels.
* FaceTime – lets you hear a voice and see the face that goes with it — iPhone to iPhone, iPad 2, iPod touch, or Mac over Wi-Fi.
* AirPlay – you can wirelessly stream what’s on your iPhone to your HDTV and speakers via Apple TV
* AirPrint – Print everything wirelessly.
* The first phone to intelligently switch between two antennas to transmit and receive, so call quality is better. It also doubles the maximum HSDPA data speeds to 14.4 Mbps.8 Which means faster connections, faster loading and reloading, and faster downloads.

Yep, that’s a list of some seriously exciting stuff right there & I can’t wait to have it in my hands on one so I can explore it all up close.

Here’s a video for a visual of everything it has to offer:

What about you? Are you an iPhone person too or do you prefer a different brand of “smart phone”?

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I haven’t mentioned much here lately about my ongoing uterine drama, but in one of the last posts regarding it all, I mentioned that my old hospital records arrived. One of those records, which was the results of an exploratory Laparoscopy checking for Endometriosis when I was 16, mentioned that there was some “fusing” of one of my fallopian tubes… however it never went into any more detail as to what exactly that meant. I just remember being told that I had a “tilted” uterus & no Endometreosis so there was nothing to be concerned about.

I scanned & emailed the results to my Reproductive Endocrinologist & about a week later got a call saying he could “fix” me by going in via a minimally invasive surgery called a Hysteroscopy and just open up the fused tube which would then make my uterus “normal”… making us then eligible for the IVF shared risk refund program.

I was mind blown & baffled, excited & yet disappointed. Why couldn’t he of called me with this news a week earlier before we’d sent over $1000 to this adoption agency for our homestudy to be done (which was non refundable whether we proceeded with having it done or not)?!?!

After much turmoil & discussion with Roy we decided to go on & get the surgery done if only so that I would have less painful periods & we would still continue on with our plans to adopt perhaps pursuing IVF down the road.

So, last week I went in for the Hysteroscopy & was given a short lil video of how it went, which I’ve modified slightly by adding a title & credits, and for those interested here it is:

Basically, he couldn’t “fix” me. Once he got in there with his camera it became clear that I do in fact have a very real Unicornuate Uterus with a Non Communicative Right Horn.

It looks like this:
When it should look like this:

As you can see, the “functional” area of my uterus in the first image is quite a bit smaller then the functional area of the second image (The Doctor says about 60-70% of the normal size). Because of this, it will likely take many pregnancies (and potential late term losses) before I’m able to carry anywhere close to full term.

This means we’re likely looking at multiple pregnancy losses before we would ever find success & even if I did manage to carry one to at least a viable term (Around 24 weeks), having a baby born that prematurely sets them up for all kinds of health issues (From March of Dimes):

“such as breathing problems, and even death. Most premature babies require care in a newborn intensive care unit (NICU), which has specialized medical staff and equipment that can deal with the multiple problems faced by premature infants.

Premature babies also face an increased risk of lasting disabilities, such as mental retardation, learning and behavioral problems, cerebral palsy, lung problems and vision and hearing loss. Two recent studies suggest that premature babies may be at increased risk of symptoms associated with autism (social, behavioral and speech problems). Studies also suggest that babies born very prematurely may be at increased risk of certain adult health problems, such as diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease.”

I know that I would completely blame myself if I brought a baby into this world knowing it probably wouldn’t make it even close to full term & they ended up with severe issues because of it. It would be like intentionally setting them up for a life of difficulties just to appease my own selfish desire of experiencing pregnancy.

Because of this, I feel that it’s very clearly something I’m not meant to do & I am trying to focus on it being a blessing that it’s proven to be so difficult (even possibly impossible) for us to conceive naturally (as in without intervention like IVF) due to our combination of fertility issues. If Roy had super healthy swimmers & I could get pregnant at the drop of a hat we’d probably of experienced so much trauma & loss by now.

I believe in God & I believe that through this we’ve actually been protected from far worse emotional struggle than that of simply not being able to conceive. I truly believe it’s less painful to never conceive than to conceive & experience the loss.

I’m also trying to focus on the blessing that I actually have both of my kidneys, & at full function, since this condition (although quite rare) commonly comes along with the lack of one due to the kidneys & uterus both developing at the same time.

I found out after an ultrasound, done during a post op appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday, that my non communicative horn doesn’t appear to be developing any lining so he doesn’t believe I’m menstruating from that side & therefor feels there is no need for an additional surgery to remove this horn. This too is excellent news, but I’m just hoping he truly is correct on this. I have my concerns due to the extreme pain level I have always had when I do menstruate that lead me to believe he just might be wrong….

So, for the most part, we now know what we’re dealing with & the direction we need to continue to move in is definitely that of adoption. The Doctor did suggest we consider finding a surrogate if having a biological baby is truly important to us, but the reality of it is that it’s not. What was important to me was the experience of pregnancy. Of feeling my child growing within me. I now know that this likely won’t & probably shouldn’t happen not just for our mental health but the long term health of the potential child we would bring into the world.

We’re moving on & counting our many other blessings instead, like our two amazing little girls that we have the privilege of raising & the baby boy whom we shall soon meet.

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Sunday morning the girls had their first ever stage performance to wrap up their week at VBS & show off the new songs they learned during it.

Roy & I were both so excited to see them perform that we both attended the Sunday morning church service (a rarity for him) & I made sure to bring my camera so I could get lots of photo’s & video of the cuteness.

Alanna started off with what I can only assume to be a slight case of stage fright but over time it improved. For Brooklynn however, she started out doing great but after the first few songs decided she was ready to sit back down & didn’t return until the last couple songs.

Unfortunately, my battery was dying so it cut my video’s into 3 minute or less segments. Regardless though they’re adorable to watch. Especially the last one….

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