Daily Life
This picture was taken last year just before Valentines Day ended when Roy got off his final plane, on the last leg of his journey, coming home from Iraq.
I don’t think there’s anything that can beat my hubby coming home, safe & sound after 8 months in Iraq, & on Valentines Day no less!
This year we actually decided to do our celebration a day early to avoid the chaos that seems to ensue on Valentines Day with trying to get a reservation anywhere. I booked us a morning at the spa together where we had a lovely couples massage, followed by a relaxing soak in a private jacuzzi, & then a pedicure where I got my toenails painted all pretty & Roy got his dry skin, caused by many hours spent in combat boots, taken care of. Then, to finish it off, we had a delicious steak lunch before picking the kids up from school & having a rejuvenating nap.
It was an absolutely wonderful day of pampering.
About 9 or 10 months ago I was referred over to a Rhuematologist regarding my chronic pain that fluctuated over various parts of my body & not just my lower back where I suffer from chronic pain due to a degenerative disc disease.
After a series of X-Rays, blood work & going over a history of my various symptoms it was determined that I have Fibromyalgia.
I was relieved to finally have some sort of answer instead of just feeling like it’s all in my head but at the same time I felt that Fibromyalgia was just a fancier word for calling someone a hypochondriac without insulting them.
The last thing I wanted was to be dismissed & told it’s all in my head which is why most of the symptoms I was experiencing (Chronic fatigue, pain all over & not just in my back, occasional blurred vision, bouts of insomnia despite the fatigue, Difficulty remembering, concentrating, and performing simple mental tasks (AKA “fibro fog”), Abdominal pain, bloating, nausea, and constipation alternating with diarrhea (AKA Irritable Bowel Syndrome), Migraines, Jaw pain, EXTREME sensitivity to noise & chaotic type situations, Anxiousness/Anxiety, Reduced tolerance for exercise, painful menstrual cramps & frequent dizziness) I never brought up to the Doctors.
The last thing I wanted to do was bring ALL THOSE up to a Doctor because really, how do you do that without sounding like a whinny Hypochondriac? Even when I did mention the odd ailment (such as the extreme sensitivity to noise) I was told I had anxiety & referred to a counselor. Any testing that was ever done over anything always came negative as well so I felt increasingly more hopeless about it all & did begin wondering if it really was all in my head.
When I was finally told it was Fibromyalgia I started to do more research in an effort to understand it & it all began to fit together & make sense. It really is a valid condition & not a fancier version of being a Hypochondriac. I was incredibly relieved, especially to have an answer for my extreme noise sensitivity & to learn about “Fibro fog” because those two symptoms had been making me feel like I was slowly losing my mind!
For the first 6 months or so I was prescribed Flexeril, which is a muscle relaxer, that I was advised to take before bed. The Rhuematologist figured if I got a better sleep at night & was able to fully relax my muscles that maybe it would help with the chronic pain & in combination with Ultram, which I take for my chronic back pain, & it has helped a bit.
Around November I had a dental appointment & my dentist was alarmed with some sort of hollowing that seems to be going on with my teeth. He said it only happens to people with significantly dry mouth, those who drink excessive soda, or those who heavily use methamphetamine’s. The only thing which applied to me was the dry mouth. He asked if I had dry eyes as well, which I do on occasion, so he suggested I speak with my doctor about it & soon because it could be related to a condition called Sjogren Syndrome.
I went back to discuss these suspicion’s with my Rheumatologist & after more testing it was confirmed that I do not have this syndrome which he said just reinforces his diagnosis of it being Fybromyalgia.
Diagnosing Fibryomyalgia is difficult because it’s a process of elimination. All other possibilities that have similar symptoms need to be ruled out first.
I told him about my research & finally opened up about the array of symptoms I have been experiencing that go beyond chronic pain & fatigue. I finally felt like I could discuss all of this without just being dismissed. He prescribed me Cymbalta & explained that it wouldn’t help immediately but over time he felt it would help alleviate a lot of my symptoms.
For the first 2 months I took only 30 milligrams once a day. It didn’t take long for me to notice it help tremendously with my noise sensitivity & anxiety level caused by it but I was not getting much relief in my pain level.
About 3 weeks ago he upped the dose to 60 milligrams once a day which is the dose most people are on & within a few days of taking this I began feeling an increased level of fatigue. I was taking it around noon however so I decided to try taking it before bed instead but unfortunately it hasn’t helped.
The good news is that my pain level has improved now, along with the extreme noise sensitivity & anxiety caused by it but it seems to be at the cost of extreme fatigue far beyond my usual & I’m going to have to discuss it with the doctor here soon because I can barely function.
I feel like a zombie to say the least. It’s like the worst “Fibro Fog” ever. I sleep fine at night, wake for a couple hours to take the kids to school, have a coffee, check the net, & then I have to take a nap because I can barely keep my eyes open any longer. I pretty well sleep till I have to pick the girls up from school & by 7pm I’m starting to fall asleep again on the couch.
With a baby on the way I’d definitely like to get back to my regular energy level & soon! I just hope we can find a way to do it without bringing back the noise sensitivity & pain.
This is truly a frustrating condition. I feel guilty & beat myself up feeling like a bad mother, wife & friend. I just can’t handle being out & about from activity to activity right now. People see me as a near 30 year old who should be healthy & active. They don’t understand the constant battle I’m having with my body every single day. People expect me to be able to keep up with them & feel rejected when I recluse because I just can’t.
Will this effect my ability to care for a baby? No. I just know it’ll be a lot harder on me physically. Especially with feeling so tired. The sleep deprivation that comes along with having a newborn definitely won’t help but as far as my ability to love, snuggle & care for one, I’ll still be capable…. just tired…. very tired.
I truly hope to find a happy medium in managing all of this & more importantly understanding from the people I love & care about that this is a very real struggle, it is not all in my head, I do not choose to live in a state of chronic pain & fatigue, nor do I choose to be irritated by noise & chaos that happens around me. I do not want to be alone. I do want to participate in things that a person my age should be able to. However right now I just can’t physically do everything I’d like to. When I do push myself to do something it comes at a sacrifice.
As most of our readers already know, our adoption match failed.
It’s been hard trying to bring myself to post the details of it all. Not just because it hurts but because the whole thing was so confusing & disappointing.
We knew it was a risk going into this but everything seemed so right. Everything was so perfectly falling into place. Friends were dropping off & offering to buy & give us cans of formula & diapers. We received 2 beautiful warm buntings to keep baby warm in the frigid New York weather, Roy’s sister volunteered to fly out from Utah to look after the girls, the house & the pets. My gramma offered to continue on from Florida to New York to stay with me for support with the new baby since Roy would be needing to come home to relieve his sister once we were allowed to take the baby from the hospital. I couldn’t help but feel as if it was all meant to be… and then suddenly it was over.
It took me about 2 weeks to fully come to terms with the reality of the loss. Perhaps that’s not long but reflecting back I can see how I transitioned through each of the 5 stages of grief. There was denial at first, then anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.
We were notified by the adoption worker the day my gramma was on a flight traveling to visit us for the holiday’s that the birth mom was starting to waiver in her decision to place this baby for adoption. I was understandably concerned but at the same time felt that this was pretty normal. It’s a big decision for someone to make, but I at that point I still hung on to hope that it was going to work out.
By the evening of the 28th we were notified that the birth mom had gone into labor but were advised not to travel & to just hang tight until the adoption worker felt she was more committed to her decision. She wanted to hold the baby after it was born & he wanted for her to do that & inform him whether she was still on board with everything before asking us to travel.
The 29th we were informed that the baby had been born, she’d held him but still couldn’t decide & wasn’t due to be discharged until the 2nd. We hung in there till then, feeling our hope slowly slipping away with each passing day.
I began to feel angry over being strung along indefinitely & I began trying to bargain with the adoption worker trying to see if he thought maybe if I went by myself to the hospital that I could be there, sit with her, hold the baby, have her see me with him, talk with her & start the process of building a relationship (with the understanding she could still could still choose to parent) over the next couple of days since I knew that aspect of things was important to her. I in no way wanted to pressure her obviously but I just felt like, due to the types of insecurities she was feeling, maybe my presence & the few days together, so she really felt she knew at least me, would help put her at ease in her decision either way. Then if she did choose adoption I could have Roy come up after.
He didn’t feel this was a good idea however, & with my growing resentment over the whole situation I quickly began feeling like it was a bad idea too.
Depression set in as I started to realize it was really over but I didn’t want to let go until someone told me for sure & on the 2nd we were told the birth mom was still in hospital because she was sick, that she had begun avoiding the agencies various methods of trying to contact her & that, according to the attorney involved who had managed to speak with her, she was fully planning on taking the baby home with her to “see how it went”.
I fluctuated back to anger. Even if she did eventually choose adoption I was incredibly disappointed to have missed out on all this early time with the baby. I missed out on the first 3 weeks with Alanna & the first 3 days with Brooklynn. I thought being how much money we were paying for this adoption that we’d actually get to be there from square one & now we’d possibly miss out on his first few weeks. I began feeling that even if she did eventually choose adoption perhaps I now was no longer interested.
On the 3rd, our adoption agency put our profile back to being live again since it was really looking like it wasn’t going to work out but they assured us that if she changed her mind a week or two down the road then we’d be the first to know. However, they informed us that the forecast was grim.
On the 4th I took my gramma back to the airport where we had lunch together before saying goodbye. I had some Chinese food & in my fortune cookie found this:
On the 6th I contacted the agency one last time for a status update & was informed that that they had not had any contact with her so all they could assume was that she had in fact taken the baby home & that was when I finally moved on to acceptance that this was over.
The whole experience was a whirlwind, especially building up to the birth & trying to get ready. We now have a fully painted & assembled nursery & baby stuff galore all staring us in the face with no baby to use any of it & it hurts. I question why this had to happen to us. Are we just not meant to have any more children? Is that why every avenue I pursue leads us smack into what feels like a brick wall? I’ve started to once again feel like we’ll never get picked but I know deep down that those feelings are normal & that we just have to continue to be patient. It will happen in time when it’s meant to. Here’s hoping the fortune cookie has it right….
Speaking of losses, today is also the 1 year anniversary since my step father passed away from Lung Cancer. I know this type of first is a hard one for family members who were closest to him & I hold each of them in my thoughts & prayers today.
