Adoption
I love my husband & children more than words can possibly express. I feel so blessed to have 3 of the most amazing children entrusted to our care giving me the opportunity & privilege of being called “Mom“.
Happy Mothers Day weekend to all you Mama’s out there, biological, adoptive, or waiting to be. May we never take Motherhood for granted & may our children learn not to take ALL the things we do for them for granted either 
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I’ve been working on getting this post out for a couple weeks now but have been one busy Mama & have been struggling to coordinate my thoughts into something coherent enough to make a post.
Most of our readers are already aware I’m sure, but it’s true! We finally have our long awaited baby boy!!!
MICHAEL THOMAS
Born March 7th, 2012 – 5lbs, 3oz’s – 17 & 3/4″ Long
I got the call around 12:30pm on March 8th waking me from a sound nap to tell me that a full African American baby boy had been born the night before & after reviewing many profiles the birth mother had decided on us! He was in Philadelphia, PA & would be getting released from hospital in the next day or two so we needed to get going & fast!
I immediately called Roy at work to tell him the exciting news & then my gramma to fill her in too before beginning a mad search to find a flight out that night & a suitable hotel for our needs close to the hospital. I quickly settled on the Hilton’s Homewood Suites since it was close to the hospital, provided a full kitchen, complimentary breakfast & internet all for a reasonable price. I also later found out they provide a yummy complimentary dinner 4 evenings a week as well!
I flew out that night on my own to be there for the birth mom & baby as soon as possible while Roy waited back for his sister, who flew to us to stay with the girls & pets at the house. Roy also had to get his leave paper work signed off by his chain of command before he could leave & so he flew out the following evening.
I didn’t get in to the hotel until 2am. By the time I showered, ate & settled down as much as I could for the night it was 4am. At 5am I was startled awake by the hotels fire alarm & PA system blasting directions every 30 seconds or so on what to do. I quickly threw on some jeans & my winter coat before stumbling down 7 flights of stairs only to find out a short while later it was just a false alarm. Unfortunately, it took them until 6am to get the elevators reset. There was no way I had the endurance to climb all those flights so I waited, finally getting to my room & back to sleep shortly after 6am.
At 8am I woke to my alarm & started getting ready for the nerve racking day of meeting birth mom & baby. I had been sent a picture of the baby on my cell by the birth moms agency specialist the night before while I was awaiting my flight & I couldn’t help but already be in love. I was terrified however that I’d get there & the birth mom would change her mind about everything.
Meeting her however, was definitely an interesting experience. I had brought her a gift bag of some pampering goodies, not that they in any way measured up with the incredible gift she was giving to us but, I wanted to give her something. She was quite shy & soft spoken & was holding the baby when I walked in. Once I sat down she handed him to me & I fell even more in love with him. He was just the sweetest tiniest little guy & absolutely perfect!
Birth mom & I mingled as best we could in between staring at the baby or the TV to fill in the gaps of awkward silence. She showed me some pictures on her cell of her previous 2 boys, one which she was raising & the other which she had also placed for adoption a couple years prior. They were adorable boys & gave me a sneak peak as to what this little guy might look like in a few years.
I don’t know all the details, nor could I share much of anything if I did, but the birth dad apparently lives in another State so we were not able to meet him. We will however be providing picture & letter updates over the years to both birth parents as he’s expressed the desire for this as well.
Just before dinner we decided to call it a day since we were both completely exhausted & agreed to meet back the following day at 11am. That night Roy arrived, joining me at the hotel & I past out for the night a very short while later.
The next morning we headed back to the hospital together along with the car seat & stroller frame because I had received word from our agency that the baby was due to be released that day at some point.
It was much easier the second day having Roy there to help carry the conversation. We even shared some laughter all together & she asked us all about the Military as it’s something she’s considering possibly going into.
We separated for lunch & during that time I browsed the hospital gift shop for a special card. I found one, filled it in & gave it to her when we returned to her room. She had showered & gotten dressed while we were gone & was just holding the baby awaiting the arrival of her attorney to guide us all through the discharge process.
I removed a bracelet which I loved, that Roy had made for me, & attached it to her wrist explaining that it was special to me, had been hand made by Roy with many hours of work & that I hoped it would be special to her too. She had been quite strong up until this point but this set off the tears & once she started so did I. We hugged tightly but there was very little I could say. The whole situation really left me speechless & fortunately as we were hugging the attorney arrived.
The attorney helped us get a group photo with us, birth mom & the baby but it was a difficult moment. Birth mom was still crying & I felt like smiling for this particular picture just seemed stupid. I didn’t know what I should do, only that I wanted to have this pic for him to reflect on in the future. In the end this is what we got….
Hospital staff came in & out with various paper work. They were very short tempered & rather rude. None of them would even speak to us & it was a bit unsettling. The attorney ensured all the necessary paper work was done & then we hugged again saying our goodbye’s & the attorney left with the birth mom while Roy & I finished packing up the baby’s things & dressing him for the freezing cold weather that was waiting outside.
As we left the hospital pushing him in the car seat (which no one even bothered to check!) that was snapped into the stroller frame I couldn’t help feeling like the whole thing was surreal. I was in disbelief that we were really leaving with him… he was really ours!
As most of our readers already know, our adoption match failed.
It’s been hard trying to bring myself to post the details of it all. Not just because it hurts but because the whole thing was so confusing & disappointing.
We knew it was a risk going into this but everything seemed so right. Everything was so perfectly falling into place. Friends were dropping off & offering to buy & give us cans of formula & diapers. We received 2 beautiful warm buntings to keep baby warm in the frigid New York weather, Roy’s sister volunteered to fly out from Utah to look after the girls, the house & the pets. My gramma offered to continue on from Florida to New York to stay with me for support with the new baby since Roy would be needing to come home to relieve his sister once we were allowed to take the baby from the hospital. I couldn’t help but feel as if it was all meant to be… and then suddenly it was over.
It took me about 2 weeks to fully come to terms with the reality of the loss. Perhaps that’s not long but reflecting back I can see how I transitioned through each of the 5 stages of grief. There was denial at first, then anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.
We were notified by the adoption worker the day my gramma was on a flight traveling to visit us for the holiday’s that the birth mom was starting to waiver in her decision to place this baby for adoption. I was understandably concerned but at the same time felt that this was pretty normal. It’s a big decision for someone to make, but I at that point I still hung on to hope that it was going to work out.
By the evening of the 28th we were notified that the birth mom had gone into labor but were advised not to travel & to just hang tight until the adoption worker felt she was more committed to her decision. She wanted to hold the baby after it was born & he wanted for her to do that & inform him whether she was still on board with everything before asking us to travel.
The 29th we were informed that the baby had been born, she’d held him but still couldn’t decide & wasn’t due to be discharged until the 2nd. We hung in there till then, feeling our hope slowly slipping away with each passing day.
I began to feel angry over being strung along indefinitely & I began trying to bargain with the adoption worker trying to see if he thought maybe if I went by myself to the hospital that I could be there, sit with her, hold the baby, have her see me with him, talk with her & start the process of building a relationship (with the understanding she could still could still choose to parent) over the next couple of days since I knew that aspect of things was important to her. I in no way wanted to pressure her obviously but I just felt like, due to the types of insecurities she was feeling, maybe my presence & the few days together, so she really felt she knew at least me, would help put her at ease in her decision either way. Then if she did choose adoption I could have Roy come up after.
He didn’t feel this was a good idea however, & with my growing resentment over the whole situation I quickly began feeling like it was a bad idea too.
Depression set in as I started to realize it was really over but I didn’t want to let go until someone told me for sure & on the 2nd we were told the birth mom was still in hospital because she was sick, that she had begun avoiding the agencies various methods of trying to contact her & that, according to the attorney involved who had managed to speak with her, she was fully planning on taking the baby home with her to “see how it went”.
I fluctuated back to anger. Even if she did eventually choose adoption I was incredibly disappointed to have missed out on all this early time with the baby. I missed out on the first 3 weeks with Alanna & the first 3 days with Brooklynn. I thought being how much money we were paying for this adoption that we’d actually get to be there from square one & now we’d possibly miss out on his first few weeks. I began feeling that even if she did eventually choose adoption perhaps I now was no longer interested.
On the 3rd, our adoption agency put our profile back to being live again since it was really looking like it wasn’t going to work out but they assured us that if she changed her mind a week or two down the road then we’d be the first to know. However, they informed us that the forecast was grim.
On the 4th I took my gramma back to the airport where we had lunch together before saying goodbye. I had some Chinese food & in my fortune cookie found this:
On the 6th I contacted the agency one last time for a status update & was informed that that they had not had any contact with her so all they could assume was that she had in fact taken the baby home & that was when I finally moved on to acceptance that this was over.
The whole experience was a whirlwind, especially building up to the birth & trying to get ready. We now have a fully painted & assembled nursery & baby stuff galore all staring us in the face with no baby to use any of it & it hurts. I question why this had to happen to us. Are we just not meant to have any more children? Is that why every avenue I pursue leads us smack into what feels like a brick wall? I’ve started to once again feel like we’ll never get picked but I know deep down that those feelings are normal & that we just have to continue to be patient. It will happen in time when it’s meant to. Here’s hoping the fortune cookie has it right….
Speaking of losses, today is also the 1 year anniversary since my step father passed away from Lung Cancer. I know this type of first is a hard one for family members who were closest to him & I hold each of them in my thoughts & prayers today.
The baby was due on the 18th which was 5 days ago however he’s apparently decided that he’s in absolutely no rush to meet the world. Can’t say I really blame him but I would like to snuggle him up & soon!
He’s pretty well ALL I can think about. Day in, day out I just have baby boy on the brain to the point I’m completely forgetting other very simple things. I’ll be glad when this is all over & I have him in my arms at the hotel & know that the risk disruption is over & he really is my baby boy.
Last week after our match became official I decided to get on painting the nursery & over the weekend Roy worked his assembling magic & got all the nursery furniture put together. Then I began the decorating….
I’m quite please with how it all turned out & think the little guy will be quite happy in there. You know, once he’s finally willing to sleep in a big bad crib & all.
On Monday we had our first contact with the birth mom through a conference call. She seems pretty sweet, kinda shy, didn’t say a whole lot. It was definitely awkward & I was a nervous wreck babbling away while trying to answer her questions.
She wanted to know how we felt about having a boy & I told her we were very excited to experience raising one & had been looking forward to having a son for quite some time.
She confirmed that we were a Military family & asked how often we moved around. I explained that Roy has been in just about 8 years now & we’ve only moved once. The Military doesn’t move people around as much as they used to.
She asked what our girls were like & I told her how sweet they are & how much they’re looking forward to having a baby brother.
She asked how we disciplined & I explained that we really aren’t into corporal punishment. We prefer to do time outs. We give warnings then follow up with a consequence. Typically a time out or loss of privilege. We believe being consistent about our expectations is important & have been complemented by many people about how well behaved our girls are so we must be doing something right. Doesn’t mean they don’t still have their moments however.
She told us that she was glad she got us as we were apparently her first choice. I had no idea & was quite flattered to learn this. She really picked us! She also filled us in on how her doctors appointment that she’d just been to had gone & told us that if the baby wasn’t born by next Monday they would induce her on Tuesday the 27th. So far it’s looking like baby is going to hold out for that too.
I’ve got a big suitcase packed with all our baby necessities as well as a backpack with my clothes, laptop, chargers, etc. Then a separate backpack with Roy’s things.
We’ve decided that I will fly out ASAP as soon after we get the travel call. Roy will wait for his sister to fly in from Utah so he can hand off the girls to her. She’s going to care for the girls, the pets & the house while we’re gone. Then he will follow up as soon as he can after me. He’ll stay until baby is discharged to show his support at the hospital & whatnot, then head back to relieve his sister & take care of the girls & everything while I wait out the ICPC in NY. My gramma, who was going to fly to FL for Christmas is going to continue on to NY & meet me there to stay until either she’s due to return home or until ICPC lets us return to FL.
That’s out plan anyways. It’s not the most ideal but it’s the best we can do being that we don’t live close to any family & our close friends are all going to be away for the holidays. We contemplated bringing the girls with us but just think it will be far too hectic having them possibly at the hospital & then cooped up in a small hotel room for weeks. So this is the best plan we can come up with, & since his sister is traveling to us from Utah, it’s going to take her a while to get to us, which may cause us to not make it to NY in time if we both wait for her arrival to FL first. So that’s why we’re separating. I ran it by our adoption worker & she said considering the circumstances this will be ok.
If the baby doesn’t end up coming until she’s induced on the 27th then we’ll just pick up gramma from the airport in Orlando on Saturday. We’ll have Christmas here all together & then have Roy’s sister fly out on Monday. Then Tuesday Roy, Gramma & I will head to NY all together & continue with things as planned.
The reason we’re not having Gramma stay with the girls instead is because she doesn’t want to be stranded at the house. She’s not comfortable driving our vehicles, nor trying to figure out how to get around in a foreign town & she doesn’t like the idea of not being able to leave or get anywhere should she need to. Roy’s sister however, isn’t worried about any of that & we’re fine having her drive the van. Plus, Roy’s sister also has the added benefit of knowing how to use the GPS feature on her iPhone which gramma does not. So we’re just going to take gramma with us & it’ll be nice having her there with me to help with the baby & whatnot after Roy heads back home to look after the girls.
It’s been quite the ordeal as well finding a hotel with availability, around where we need it, due to it being the holiday’s & with Brooklyn being so close to Times Square where they big New Years event always takes place. I would LOVE to be able to go be a part of that & watch the ball drop in person but there’s just no way it’s a good idea to go with a newborn baby & there’s no way either that I’m going to leave gramma with him & go to the event alone. So even though I’ll be just a few miles away, I’ll still be watching it from the TV screen.
We did finally manage to find 2 decent hotels. One that’s close to the airport & one that’s closer to the hospital. I have both of them tentatively reserved but am trying to work out a better rate with the manager of the hotel closest to the hospital. It’s a much nicer hotel & every room comes with a kitchenette, plus they offer a continental breakfast that even includes omelets! Because of how long we’ll be staying I feel we deserve a price cut & the staff says if we speak with the manager he can probably approve something. The trouble has been getting hold of said manager though. The other thing is that this hotel currently has no space for New Years Eve so we’d have to leave & go to the other hotel for that one night unless space suddenly became available. We’re on the wait list however, & should have priority since we’ll already be staying there. I just don’t want to cancel the other reservation for the hotel closest to the airport until I know for certain everything has been arranged & squared away with the one we prefer.
