Adoption
As most of our readers already know, our adoption match failed.
It’s been hard trying to bring myself to post the details of it all. Not just because it hurts but because the whole thing was so confusing & disappointing.
We knew it was a risk going into this but everything seemed so right. Everything was so perfectly falling into place. Friends were dropping off & offering to buy & give us cans of formula & diapers. We received 2 beautiful warm buntings to keep baby warm in the frigid New York weather, Roy’s sister volunteered to fly out from Utah to look after the girls, the house & the pets. My gramma offered to continue on from Florida to New York to stay with me for support with the new baby since Roy would be needing to come home to relieve his sister once we were allowed to take the baby from the hospital. I couldn’t help but feel as if it was all meant to be… and then suddenly it was over.
It took me about 2 weeks to fully come to terms with the reality of the loss. Perhaps that’s not long but reflecting back I can see how I transitioned through each of the 5 stages of grief. There was denial at first, then anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.
We were notified by the adoption worker the day my gramma was on a flight traveling to visit us for the holiday’s that the birth mom was starting to waiver in her decision to place this baby for adoption. I was understandably concerned but at the same time felt that this was pretty normal. It’s a big decision for someone to make, but I at that point I still hung on to hope that it was going to work out.
By the evening of the 28th we were notified that the birth mom had gone into labor but were advised not to travel & to just hang tight until the adoption worker felt she was more committed to her decision. She wanted to hold the baby after it was born & he wanted for her to do that & inform him whether she was still on board with everything before asking us to travel.
The 29th we were informed that the baby had been born, she’d held him but still couldn’t decide & wasn’t due to be discharged until the 2nd. We hung in there till then, feeling our hope slowly slipping away with each passing day.
I began to feel angry over being strung along indefinitely & I began trying to bargain with the adoption worker trying to see if he thought maybe if I went by myself to the hospital that I could be there, sit with her, hold the baby, have her see me with him, talk with her & start the process of building a relationship (with the understanding she could still could still choose to parent) over the next couple of days since I knew that aspect of things was important to her. I in no way wanted to pressure her obviously but I just felt like, due to the types of insecurities she was feeling, maybe my presence & the few days together, so she really felt she knew at least me, would help put her at ease in her decision either way. Then if she did choose adoption I could have Roy come up after.
He didn’t feel this was a good idea however, & with my growing resentment over the whole situation I quickly began feeling like it was a bad idea too.
Depression set in as I started to realize it was really over but I didn’t want to let go until someone told me for sure & on the 2nd we were told the birth mom was still in hospital because she was sick, that she had begun avoiding the agencies various methods of trying to contact her & that, according to the attorney involved who had managed to speak with her, she was fully planning on taking the baby home with her to “see how it went”.
I fluctuated back to anger. Even if she did eventually choose adoption I was incredibly disappointed to have missed out on all this early time with the baby. I missed out on the first 3 weeks with Alanna & the first 3 days with Brooklynn. I thought being how much money we were paying for this adoption that we’d actually get to be there from square one & now we’d possibly miss out on his first few weeks. I began feeling that even if she did eventually choose adoption perhaps I now was no longer interested.
On the 3rd, our adoption agency put our profile back to being live again since it was really looking like it wasn’t going to work out but they assured us that if she changed her mind a week or two down the road then we’d be the first to know. However, they informed us that the forecast was grim.
On the 4th I took my gramma back to the airport where we had lunch together before saying goodbye. I had some Chinese food & in my fortune cookie found this:
On the 6th I contacted the agency one last time for a status update & was informed that that they had not had any contact with her so all they could assume was that she had in fact taken the baby home & that was when I finally moved on to acceptance that this was over.
The whole experience was a whirlwind, especially building up to the birth & trying to get ready. We now have a fully painted & assembled nursery & baby stuff galore all staring us in the face with no baby to use any of it & it hurts. I question why this had to happen to us. Are we just not meant to have any more children? Is that why every avenue I pursue leads us smack into what feels like a brick wall? I’ve started to once again feel like we’ll never get picked but I know deep down that those feelings are normal & that we just have to continue to be patient. It will happen in time when it’s meant to. Here’s hoping the fortune cookie has it right….
Speaking of losses, today is also the 1 year anniversary since my step father passed away from Lung Cancer. I know this type of first is a hard one for family members who were closest to him & I hold each of them in my thoughts & prayers today.
The baby was due on the 18th which was 5 days ago however he’s apparently decided that he’s in absolutely no rush to meet the world. Can’t say I really blame him but I would like to snuggle him up & soon!
He’s pretty well ALL I can think about. Day in, day out I just have baby boy on the brain to the point I’m completely forgetting other very simple things. I’ll be glad when this is all over & I have him in my arms at the hotel & know that the risk disruption is over & he really is my baby boy.
Last week after our match became official I decided to get on painting the nursery & over the weekend Roy worked his assembling magic & got all the nursery furniture put together. Then I began the decorating….
I’m quite please with how it all turned out & think the little guy will be quite happy in there. You know, once he’s finally willing to sleep in a big bad crib & all.
On Monday we had our first contact with the birth mom through a conference call. She seems pretty sweet, kinda shy, didn’t say a whole lot. It was definitely awkward & I was a nervous wreck babbling away while trying to answer her questions.
She wanted to know how we felt about having a boy & I told her we were very excited to experience raising one & had been looking forward to having a son for quite some time.
She confirmed that we were a Military family & asked how often we moved around. I explained that Roy has been in just about 8 years now & we’ve only moved once. The Military doesn’t move people around as much as they used to.
She asked what our girls were like & I told her how sweet they are & how much they’re looking forward to having a baby brother.
She asked how we disciplined & I explained that we really aren’t into corporal punishment. We prefer to do time outs. We give warnings then follow up with a consequence. Typically a time out or loss of privilege. We believe being consistent about our expectations is important & have been complemented by many people about how well behaved our girls are so we must be doing something right. Doesn’t mean they don’t still have their moments however.
She told us that she was glad she got us as we were apparently her first choice. I had no idea & was quite flattered to learn this. She really picked us! She also filled us in on how her doctors appointment that she’d just been to had gone & told us that if the baby wasn’t born by next Monday they would induce her on Tuesday the 27th. So far it’s looking like baby is going to hold out for that too.
I’ve got a big suitcase packed with all our baby necessities as well as a backpack with my clothes, laptop, chargers, etc. Then a separate backpack with Roy’s things.
We’ve decided that I will fly out ASAP as soon after we get the travel call. Roy will wait for his sister to fly in from Utah so he can hand off the girls to her. She’s going to care for the girls, the pets & the house while we’re gone. Then he will follow up as soon as he can after me. He’ll stay until baby is discharged to show his support at the hospital & whatnot, then head back to relieve his sister & take care of the girls & everything while I wait out the ICPC in NY. My gramma, who was going to fly to FL for Christmas is going to continue on to NY & meet me there to stay until either she’s due to return home or until ICPC lets us return to FL.
That’s out plan anyways. It’s not the most ideal but it’s the best we can do being that we don’t live close to any family & our close friends are all going to be away for the holidays. We contemplated bringing the girls with us but just think it will be far too hectic having them possibly at the hospital & then cooped up in a small hotel room for weeks. So this is the best plan we can come up with, & since his sister is traveling to us from Utah, it’s going to take her a while to get to us, which may cause us to not make it to NY in time if we both wait for her arrival to FL first. So that’s why we’re separating. I ran it by our adoption worker & she said considering the circumstances this will be ok.
If the baby doesn’t end up coming until she’s induced on the 27th then we’ll just pick up gramma from the airport in Orlando on Saturday. We’ll have Christmas here all together & then have Roy’s sister fly out on Monday. Then Tuesday Roy, Gramma & I will head to NY all together & continue with things as planned.
The reason we’re not having Gramma stay with the girls instead is because she doesn’t want to be stranded at the house. She’s not comfortable driving our vehicles, nor trying to figure out how to get around in a foreign town & she doesn’t like the idea of not being able to leave or get anywhere should she need to. Roy’s sister however, isn’t worried about any of that & we’re fine having her drive the van. Plus, Roy’s sister also has the added benefit of knowing how to use the GPS feature on her iPhone which gramma does not. So we’re just going to take gramma with us & it’ll be nice having her there with me to help with the baby & whatnot after Roy heads back home to look after the girls.
It’s been quite the ordeal as well finding a hotel with availability, around where we need it, due to it being the holiday’s & with Brooklyn being so close to Times Square where they big New Years event always takes place. I would LOVE to be able to go be a part of that & watch the ball drop in person but there’s just no way it’s a good idea to go with a newborn baby & there’s no way either that I’m going to leave gramma with him & go to the event alone. So even though I’ll be just a few miles away, I’ll still be watching it from the TV screen.
We did finally manage to find 2 decent hotels. One that’s close to the airport & one that’s closer to the hospital. I have both of them tentatively reserved but am trying to work out a better rate with the manager of the hotel closest to the hospital. It’s a much nicer hotel & every room comes with a kitchenette, plus they offer a continental breakfast that even includes omelets! Because of how long we’ll be staying I feel we deserve a price cut & the staff says if we speak with the manager he can probably approve something. The trouble has been getting hold of said manager though. The other thing is that this hotel currently has no space for New Years Eve so we’d have to leave & go to the other hotel for that one night unless space suddenly became available. We’re on the wait list however, & should have priority since we’ll already be staying there. I just don’t want to cancel the other reservation for the hotel closest to the airport until I know for certain everything has been arranged & squared away with the one we prefer.
I have been a bit MIA regarding the blog for the last month & apologize for my lack of posting. Not a whole lot has been going on necessarily besides getting ready for the holiday’s & feeling in a bit of a funk due to the lack of activity with our adoption agency.It was really starting to feel that we’d never get a baby… or at least that it was going to take a LONG time. The thought was pretty depressing to say the least, despite the fact we’ve only actually been actively waiting with our agency for just shy of 3 months.
Then yesterday morning I got a call, totally out of the blue, wondering if we wanted to be considered for a possible match situation with a birth mom that really liked us as well as another family, however the fee was a bit over our set budget.
I made some phone calls to see if we could find access to the extra that would be required & then responded saying yes we wanted to be considered. I was advised that the birth mother specialist with the agency would contact me with more info soon & then we waited, and waited…. and waited.
At 4pm I finally emailed our worker asking for a status update & a short while later she replied back that the birth mother’s specialist wanted to have a chance to verify everything with the birth mom & finish some paper work before he called us so we could expect a call from him in the morning. It sounded promising but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.
The morning came & the morning went. Still, we didn’t hear anything. The suspense of waiting for answers was killing me and around 1:30pm I emailed our worker again.
By 3pm I hadn’t heard back from her nor the birth mother’s specialist so I took things into my own hands & called the agency asking to talk to the birth mothers specialist directly & I got put through to his voicemail, which really started me thinking that this was heading south fast since apparently no one wanted to give me answers I figured they either didn’t have any or it wasn’t going to be good news.
Less than 10 minutes later he called me back & announced that the birth mother did in fact pick us!!!
We’re matched!!!
He then proceeded to fill me in on all the details:
* It’s a boy!
* She’s due Sunday December 18th
* It’s her first baby
* She’s in New York
* The adoption rules will be based on Florida’s Laws which is excellent news for us because it means once she signs the papers it’s irrevocable. She won’t be able to sign them however for 48 hours after delivery unless the baby is released earlier.
* Baby will be full African American
* She picked us because she knew she was having a boy & asked to be shown profiles from couples who specifically wanted a boy. Out of the profiles she was shown she really liked our picture although I have no idea which one.
* She definitely wants pictures, letters & emails post placement which we’re more than happy to do. I do this already with Alanna’s birth mom.
* She isn’t certain that she’ll want post placement visits but would like the option left open. We’ve decided to be ok with that so long as she understands we’re Military & could end up stationed pretty well anywhere so she would likely have to come to us. I also specified not more than yearly & the specialist really doesn’t think she’s overly concerned about it & likely won’t desire it but just doesn’t want the option to be closed.
* Sadly, for me anyways, she doesn’t want anyone (not even her family) in the delivery room. She wants to do it totally alone & I’m pretty bummed to once again miss out on this beautiful moment but I do understand & am certainly not going to let it be a deal breaker.
So, at this point that’s about everything I can say. I’m beyond excited & am not sure how I’m going to sleep between now & then. The timing is absolutely awful though. My gramma is due to be arriving on the 24th to spend Christmas & New Years with us & now we very well may not be here. She’s ok with having her ticket rerouted if possible though to bring her to us in New York where she can stay with us & meet her newest great grandchild.
Roy’s sister has volunteered to fly to Florida & stay with the girls as well as look after our pets for us & this would be a tremendous blessing. We were advised not to bring the girls to the hospital with us because we want to give the impression that the new baby is our primary focus at that time & having to worry about two 4 year olds climbing all over everything would be quite a distraction, not to mention having them cooped up with us in a small hotel room for a week or two along with the newborn wouldn’t be a whole lot of fun for anyone. So, I hope it all works out that his sister can in fact make it out here to do this for us.
The issue though is that everything has to happen at a moments notice. Once we get the call that she’s gone into labor we have to book our flights to New York ASAP & have his sister book her flights here ASAP & arrive BEFORE we have to leave. Preferably with enough time to get her to our house (we live an hour from the airport & she’s never been here before!) & show her around so she knows where to find everything & so on.
We may well be spending Christmas at a hotel in New York as well. I hear it’s beautiful this time of year & am actually super excited about being there but am saddened that we might be separated from the girls for Christmas. Regardless though, this will definitely be a Christmas we’ll never forget & this little bundle will be the best Christmas gift EVER!
I’ll keep you all posted….
We received an email yesterday informing us that our video for our adoption profile has been completed.
I’ve been feeling incredibly nervous about the creation of this video. As we took all our various pieces of footage, with the little video camera our agency sent to us to use, my anxiety about the whole ordeal grew.
We were extremely nervous as we conducted our interviews both together & individually. It felt weird & awkward talking to just the camera. We struggled trying to figure out how we should capture the moments of our lives in a way that would give a potential birth parent a view into the reality of our lives.
We didn’t want for anything to appear staged. We wanted to look natural but we worried if natural would be appealing? We worried if we’d just look blah, boring, undesirable, dorky?
Even our friends who also recorded a short piece for us were incredibly nervous in front of the camera probably even more so than us because lets face it… a tiny lil camera staring you down recording your every movement & word, adding an extra 10lbs to you too… well it’s plain intimidating!
We sent the video camera back with a memory card full of various footage on October 11th & I’ve been dreading the video going live on our profile ever since. Praying that we would be matched before the video went live, fearing it was going to work against us rather than for us.
Then yesterday I got the email… the video is ready:
It turned out sooooo much better than I ever could of hoped & will be live on our profile early next week!
Only a small amount of our footage taken was actually used & I’m a bit surprised they didn’t use any of our friends portion of interviews but regardless, I’m very pleased with the final product.
Here’s hoping the added personal depth that this adds will be what’s needed for our birth parents to finally pick us. I know we haven’t been waiting all that long but every day that passes seems like an eternity. It is so difficult having the future & growth of our family completely dependent on someone “picking us” & it’s hard not to feel like the awkward kids getting left to the end as the other kids pick their teams for a sport.
This is something we really struggled with writing. It’s just so hard to know what to say especially when we don’t know who the birth parent/s are yet or what the situation with them is going to be. This is what we came up with though & I figured we’d share it here.
You just never know who might be reading the blog. Perhaps it’s someone who could really use some help in writing their own “Dear Birth Parents” letter, or maybe even a birth parent themselves who’s currently struggling with the thought of putting their baby up for adoption. One just never knows….
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Dear Birth Parents:
Thank you so much for taking the time to peak at our profile and for considering us as the potential adoptive parents for your baby.
We won’t even pretend to imagine that we know the full range of emotions you’re feeling right now as you consider all of this but we do want you to rest assured that we care not just about the child you’re considering placing for adoption but for you as well. Without you this child would not be and your consideration of adoption is a courageous and admirable one that offers the most precious gift that could ever be given.
If we happen to be the family you choose to place your child with we hope that you will find comfort and peace in the fact that we will love them as if they were born to us and will raise them in a warm, loving, accepting, supportive and stable environment where they will always know their adoption story and be allowed to learn and stay connected to their heritage of birth.
Raising children and having a large family means the world to us. We love being parents and have always desired to have 3 or 4 children if we are to be so blessed.
Roy works outside of the home at the base we are currently stationed at since he is active duty with the US Air Force and has been for nearly 8 years. He is the primary bread winner of our family which allows for Jody to be a full time stay at home mom to our children. It has always been extremely important to Jody to be able to be the one there for our children, especially during the early years before they begin their school career, rather than having them spend their days in a day care environment.
Just as you want the very best for your child we too want the very best for the children entrusted to us to raise. We have strong moral values and want for each one of our children to grow up to be happy, healthy, confidant, educated, productive and responsible adults.
We are very family oriented and make regular trips each year to visit the various members of our extended families where we do many fun things together. We look forward to bringing this child along to share in these special trips where they will create many memories and be surrounded by yet more love and acceptance that a warm, caring and close knit family provides.
We would love to keep in touch via email and letters in order to share with you pictures and updates of how your little one is doing as they grow if this is something you are comfortable with and would desire.
Once again we thank you for taking the time to read our letter. We know that even the entirety of our profile only gives you a small glimpse of the life that our family has to offer but we hope it will be enough for you to see the depth of love and the sincerity we have in our hearts which we so look forward to sharing with your precious child. This child has already begun to fill our hearts since the day we decided to pursue adoption again and we so look forward to finally meeting and holding them in our arms.
Sincerely,
Roy & Jody
