Dealing with Loss

January 17, 2012

As most of our readers already know, our adoption match failed.

It’s been hard trying to bring myself to post the details of it all. Not just because it hurts but because the whole thing was so confusing & disappointing.

We knew it was a risk going into this but everything seemed so right. Everything was so perfectly falling into place. Friends were dropping off & offering to buy & give us cans of formula & diapers. We received 2 beautiful warm buntings to keep baby warm in the frigid New York weather, Roy’s sister volunteered to fly out from Utah to look after the girls, the house & the pets. My gramma offered to continue on from Florida to New York to stay with me for support with the new baby since Roy would be needing to come home to relieve his sister once we were allowed to take the baby from the hospital. I couldn’t help but feel as if it was all meant to be… and then suddenly it was over.

It took me about 2 weeks to fully come to terms with the reality of the loss. Perhaps that’s not long but reflecting back I can see how I transitioned through each of the 5 stages of grief. There was denial at first, then anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.

We were notified by the adoption worker the day my gramma was on a flight traveling to visit us for the holiday’s that the birth mom was starting to waiver in her decision to place this baby for adoption. I was understandably concerned but at the same time felt that this was pretty normal. It’s a big decision for someone to make, but I at that point I still hung on to hope that it was going to work out.

By the evening of the 28th we were notified that the birth mom had gone into labor but were advised not to travel & to just hang tight until the adoption worker felt she was more committed to her decision. She wanted to hold the baby after it was born & he wanted for her to do that & inform him whether she was still on board with everything before asking us to travel.

The 29th we were informed that the baby had been born, she’d held him but still couldn’t decide & wasn’t due to be discharged until the 2nd. We hung in there till then, feeling our hope slowly slipping away with each passing day.

I began to feel angry over being strung along indefinitely & I began trying to bargain with the adoption worker trying to see if he thought maybe if I went by myself to the hospital that I could be there, sit with her, hold the baby, have her see me with him, talk with her & start the process of building a relationship (with the understanding she could still could still choose to parent) over the next couple of days since I knew that aspect of things was important to her. I in no way wanted to pressure her obviously but I just felt like, due to the types of insecurities she was feeling, maybe my presence & the few days together, so she really felt she knew at least me, would help put her at ease in her decision either way. Then if she did choose adoption I could have Roy come up after.

He didn’t feel this was a good idea however, & with my growing resentment over the whole situation I quickly began feeling like it was a bad idea too.

Depression set in as I started to realize it was really over but I didn’t want to let go until someone told me for sure & on the 2nd we were told the birth mom was still in hospital because she was sick, that she had begun avoiding the agencies various methods of trying to contact her & that, according to the attorney involved who had managed to speak with her, she was fully planning on taking the baby home with her to “see how it went”.

I fluctuated back to anger. Even if she did eventually choose adoption I was incredibly disappointed to have missed out on all this early time with the baby. I missed out on the first 3 weeks with Alanna & the first 3 days with Brooklynn. I thought being how much money we were paying for this adoption that we’d actually get to be there from square one & now we’d possibly miss out on his first few weeks. I began feeling that even if she did eventually choose adoption perhaps I now was no longer interested.

On the 3rd, our adoption agency put our profile back to being live again since it was really looking like it wasn’t going to work out but they assured us that if she changed her mind a week or two down the road then we’d be the first to know. However, they informed us that the forecast was grim.

On the 4th I took my gramma back to the airport where we had lunch together before saying goodbye. I had some Chinese food & in my fortune cookie found this:

On the 6th I contacted the agency one last time for a status update & was informed that that they had not had any contact with her so all they could assume was that she had in fact taken the baby home & that was when I finally moved on to acceptance that this was over.

The whole experience was a whirlwind, especially building up to the birth & trying to get ready. We now have a fully painted & assembled nursery & baby stuff galore all staring us in the face with no baby to use any of it & it hurts. I question why this had to happen to us. Are we just not meant to have any more children? Is that why every avenue I pursue leads us smack into what feels like a brick wall? I’ve started to once again feel like we’ll never get picked but I know deep down that those feelings are normal & that we just have to continue to be patient. It will happen in time when it’s meant to. Here’s hoping the fortune cookie has it right….

Speaking of losses, today is also the 1 year anniversary since my step father passed away from Lung Cancer. I know this type of first is a hard one for family members who were closest to him & I hold each of them in my thoughts & prayers today.