I keep meaning to post more pictures & details about my trip to Canada but the fact of the matter is I’m completely consumed by the emotions that have over taken me since returning Roy to the airport last Tuesday.
Currently he’s in the Middle East somewhere after spending an entire day on a bus & having been on numerous planes. He’s still waiting to get to the base that he’ll be spending the next 6 months or so at, while I’m here at home all nice & comfy but missing him more than I ever anticipated.
This is nothing like it was when he was just away at training & still here in the US. Now he’s on a whole other continent over 6000 miles away & twice as far from me as my family is at over 3000 miles away.
This is really hard!
I like to believe I’m a pretty strong person. Sure I have moments of sensitivity but on a general basis I just don’t get overly emotional about things. When I do however, the emotions sneak up out of nowhere & catch me completely off guard which is more or less what’s happened now.
I absolutely did not forsee the emotions I’m having now ever effecting me. I figured I’d miss him quite a bit, all would work out though, I know how to run the house & deal with all our day to day things, I can manage the children just fine on my own & we’d be ok. I’d get to talk to him on the net every now & then, which would be great! & everything would be ok. But, even though all these things might be true, it still sucks more than I can truly explain.
With my husband gone a piece of me is missing, my best friend in the whole world is missing & at least for right now I can’t count on his ability to log on at a set time, or to call at a set time like I would normally anticipate the time he’d return from work if he were still here. I have no desire at all to just call up & talk to anybody to fill some “void”, what I want is to talk to him when I feel like it & I can’t! I’m also not a very “Huggy” person either but right now I want nothing more than to be snuggled up with him here at home & to feel like all is once again right within my world.
Yes, this is the military life. This is what he signed up for nearly 7 years ago & what I signed up for when I chose to spend the rest of my life with him just a short while later. We’ve been blessed that we haven’t had to go through any of this until now but even knowing all that nothing really softens the burning blow that I feel deep within my soul which makes me feel like my entire world is upside down.
There’s all the “what if’s” that rear their ugly heads every now & then paralyzing me with fear when they do. Just trying to do simple things around the house like having a shower, watching tv, cooking a meal, saying good night to the girls, listening to a song… everything reminds me of him & the memories bring me to tears because “what if” that’s all I’ll ever have again are his memories???
Those type of thoughts never even crossed my mind prior to the last week. I know they crossed his plenty of times & I did everything in my power to reassure him that all would be well but now those same fears haunt me too.
This is MUCH harder than I ever anticipated, however I do find a small sense of peace in knowing that this is only the beginning. It WILL get easier as the time stretches on & 6 months WILL go by fairly quickly. Deep down I REALLY don’t believe anything bad will happen to him & this separation WILL make us all that much stronger as a couple. When we ARE reunited it will be so incredibly AWESOME & so I just keep trying to focus on that.
I know there are others out there who are experiencing much worse but these are my feelings based on what I am experiencing & I’m documenting them on my blog which is more or less a public journal written mostly for myself in the hopes that one day I can look back & say “Ahhh… I remember feeling like that!… It did go by fast & everything did turn out ok!”.